The Anti-Addict: Bringing Commitment Into the Light

All of my life I have confused Commitment with Addiction.

And I just now realized this.

ALL of my life. Without fail.

I have always said (and felt) that I have “commitment issues,” when in fact my heart has been wounded by addiction, not commitment. But likening the two things has prevented me from allowing anything in my life to stick in a wholehearted way.

When I think about anything I truly love doing, I know there’s always a moment of “burnout” for me at the end of trying to make a full commitment. This burnout moment is more aptly described as “disengagement.” I was thinking just this morning that if there were anything I could really lose myself to as a practice, it would be weight training. As I allowed this thought to spread through my body, I could feel the joy, the strength and the release in my muscles, my heart and my soul. There is something deeply grounding in this type of activity for a person like me – a soul that likes to float above, to be halfway out of body and also has a tendency for being half in/half out of experiences and Earthly events.

As I continued this full on visualization and physical journey within my meditation of weight training, I suddenly saw and felt that key familiar moment when I would tap out of the practice or disengage. And not because I didn’t love it anymore. What’s critical here is that the experience began with my version of the energy of addiction – was there anything I could fully get lost in? As such, and due to my aversion of addiction, addicts, and addictive behaviors, I found myself eventually losing steam.

Now, if I had a healthy intention of Commitment at the start of this meditative experience perhaps I would have been able to see a lifetime of joy in an activity I love.

This is a relatively small example of a much bigger problem. If I approach life experiences, relationships and love (creative force) with a fear or projection of addiction (formerly commitment in my lexicon) how can anything have longevity in a positive way? How could I possibly let someone love me unconditionally and eternally?

Riffing off of my last post, I see a deep need to heal a few wounds created by addiction and to remove the weight and negativity I place on the word, feeling and act of Commitment.

Being the anti-addict is just as damaging, isolating and fear-based as being the addict.

I’d like the energy of addiction to find energetic neutrality in my space: ultimately to find non-reactivity. I’d like to love with an open, free and brave heart that commits fully to each experience as it happens. I’d like to do, be, and create with an open, free and brave heart that commits fully to each experience as it happens.

My core assumption is that somewhere along the line I will severely disappoint a person or a job that is fully committed to me (my old version of commitment), thus proving they never unconditionally loved me in the first place. My deepest fear is being the source of a person’s addiction. This comes from old wounds. And as such, I often violently reject love and affection and fail to see when it is truly unconditional, eternal, and all-encompassing.

I am ready to shed this way of being and doing, and I’m ready to experience the joys and expansiveness of Commitment in all its forms. I see its beauty now, especially in those around me. I would like to be less the observer of people and other people’s relationships and more of an active participant in these relationships, to include myself in that loving picture instead of casting myself out time and again.

And yes, I’m fully open to being totally utterly fucking uncomfortable in the process.

☺

I’ll post updates on my adventures in Al-Anon once I get started.